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into the darkness my mind swirls around

screaming alone with no sound

I’ve given in I’ve given up

drank deeply from despair’s cup

late at night silently crying

deep inside slowly dying

falling fast this is the end

drowning in life’s river bend

no one will know the end is near

no one will know what I fear

there is nothing to take the pain away

nothing to take this sadness away

there is no hope for this soul

there is nothing to make me feel whole

there is only emptiness

just a black abyss

just a few more years

just a few more tears

then I can end it all

once and for all

hang on to nothing for a while

just for a few more miles

paint another smile for the crowd

play it strong and proud

only one person needs me now

hang on for her you pathetic cow

wipe those tears away

cover those cuts up from the day

I’m just a puppet dancing in the rain

crying a song of sorrow and pain

dance puppet dance once more

hide it all in my core

only in my dreams will I escape

fake realities a new life tape

to play over and over again

tormenting me within

I don't know why I'm logging in or why I am even writing. There is no one left to read this. There is nothing left for me here. Yet here I am. Here's another entry. I don't know anymore I'm just lost. Lost in my job. Lost at home. Lost. I had a dream this morning but when woke I forgot. Sigh



Things on the home front are not really going well to be honest. Sob#2 must be taking lessons from the cockroaches. He has found new ways to torment me to tears. My depression is getting to the point of no return. I've given up. What's the point of fighting? Fate has made it clear I'm nothing to no one. Even work is using me as a doormat. I almost burst into tears today because I realized it. I can't change anything.



I know this entry gives off the vibe that I'm being whiny in a way I guess I am. That's what shattered hearts and broken dreams does to a person. This is what life has dealt me. I'm slipping away. I'm not sure I can make it back This time. I'm not sure anyone would notice.

Facebook. The site full of sunshine and lies. That's where I am hiding nowadays. My darker side makes me feel too alone so I left sites like these. I logged on today to tell what few friends I have to come to facebook. Sigh, it's a dreadful site but it's the only site I feel important on. There I have hundreds of people added not many I know but there if I want them to be. In a distant way I guess that comforting. Here all the people I loved aren't here anymore. Perhaps forgot all about me.



. I stopped trying to find the man who literally took over my dreams. I stopped my quest for answers. I'm hiding in the day light basically. It doesn't bring me hope or warmth but I'm afraid that the empty nothingness will take over completely and kill my soul. I've retreated into my mind like an injured pet be use I'm scared I'll lose my purpose. Depression is settling into my blood weighing heavily on my heart and mind. The poisoned youth I've become hating everything I used to stand for. What will become of me If I give up entirely? Will I be forgotten?



I think I'm addicted to sleeping pills. I keep looking for that thrill, that adrenaline rush I used to get from my nightmares. I'm going to go back to not sleeping and flush them down the toilet. I can't risk never waking up again with the idiot around to handle things. I didn't realize I had gotten reckless I'll admit. I'm just lonely. At least in my dreams I wasn't alone. It have me some sort of feeling. It gave me a purpose, something to think upon.

I have come to loathe Valentine's day. A day that's supposed to be about leaves me feeling empty. Damn it! I want to mean something to someone! I want to be cherished! Its just another cold holiday to force me to remember my heart is frozen never to beat again. Never to throb for love only to die a blackened abyss of broken dreams and tarnished wishes.

Back to his same old bag of tricks. I'm back to trying not to give into my anger. I want an actual man. Someone I don't end up hating. A task impossible. I've given up.

In a strange way it was comforting to have a nightmare again. But at the same time it only means I'm still unconsciously searching for answers. I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest. The last month or so I have done nothing but making myself sick and dumb. I keep bingeing on food again to feel some sort of normal which is making me sick. I'm not challenging anything in my life just being a yes woman in hopes that maybe I'll get to move up the Corp. Ladder. I know it won't. I've scanned their minds I may as well be a common dog to them. Things on the home front are fine , boring. We have stopped arguing because I just keep my mouth shut. Let the idiot think he is right, Fuck it. The holidays were decent enough I suppose, everyone is still alive which is a relief. But all I can think of is at what price? Did I do something to interferre? My coven is disbanded. Which in turn ticked me off to be honest. It only showed that the coven master lost interest a long long time ago. I think I may actually hate him for to be honest. I know a woman who thinks the world of him and he is more focused on everything else. She is a good person, you know? Doesn't deserve that. She is one of the very few I do care about it's probably a good thing I don't have super powers. I would make a fantastic devil. Lol. 2016 has just filled me with a lot of hatred for people who don't care about anyone else but themselves. I'm still struggling financially . It's pretty bad when you work and have nothi g to show for it. I don't really know why I even logged on today to tell the truth. Or why I felt that it was important to write a journal entry. But here I am, compelled to write.